Bow Before Me for I am ROOT!
Posted on July 10, 2007
Filed Under A Geek's Guide to the Scriptures | 2 Comments
Author’s note: The following article was originally an email sent April 21, 2004
Take the title of this article, “Bow Before Me for I am ROOT!!” It took a UNIX administrator explaining it to me before I could appreciate it — and I literally LOL! (translation: Laugh Out Loud).
Simply put, “root” access means you have complete power over a UNIX server. UNIX servers pretty much run the internet. They are big computers, really big. The kind that contain really big and really important information, like payroll stuff, or client data, or beanie baby sales–all kinds of really important stuff.
As root, you can do anything you want on a UNIX server. You are “god” of that server, Lord of its entire dominion — and of course you must be very smart. After all, you have “root” access. 
So, bow before me, nave!
I have the power to destroy your salary or give you vacation time! The power to let you peek into my all knowing database or shut you out forever till you beg me for mercy! (Sarbanes Oxley fans, you can suspend the truth for just a couple of minutes and let me exaggerate a little, can’t you?)
But I split a gut over the “I am root” joke when I thought of the recent history of computer professionals. You see, long, long ago in a techno-galaxy now far away (that would be the late 70s) computer geeks were, well, geeks. You know, the “War Games” types with flannel shirts, and pocket protectors, who couldn’t string together two socially appropriate sentences if their lives depended upon it (now writing a “socialization” subroutine, on the other hand–no problem). A stereotypical 70s computer nerd couldn’t get a date with a feminine manifestation of the species if he was the only other surviving humanoid on the planet.
In the 70s computer technicians were nerds. And everyone knew it. And everyone treated them like nerds.
But then along came the Roaring 90s when computing became a big deal and the World Wide Web fueled companies’ imaginations–and their hiring practices. Many a geek felt like it was pay back time! Masters of the big computers were suddenly respected, actually wooed into companies–and many seemed to get fat heads. They started to exert their power (and arrogance) wherever they could. “I want a bigger salary, or I am leaving!” they would say; to which HR would reply “no! no! Not that! We’ll pay!” It really was that way, or so everyone seemed to think, and as we all know, perception is reality or so they say.
The I.T. mantra of the 90s was “Revenge of the Nerds.”
With the turn of the 21st century came reality check time. Geeks aren’t quite the hot shots that they used to be. Some computer geeks can still be a bit arrogant (Today’s slogan of choice for geek coffee mugs: “No, I won’t fix your computer”), but many of the accountant-turned-I.T.-pros have gone back to their former lives. Those that remained tend to talk more about being glad to have a job than about the perks they demand.
In the midst of this brave new world often called “The Return of the Nerds” (well, at least it’s often called that by me) what happened to the true techie? What became of that person who does what he or she does because they love it, because God gifted them with certain skills that they can use to help others?
Allow me to give you an example:
Here is a copy/paste of a Instant Message (IM) “chat” I had with a co-worker. In the interest of modesty, we shall call him “Fred.” (hint: his initials are PEO) He is a true techie doing what he does best because it’s the way God made him. The result? He’s an excellent example of a high integrity Christian, and that is priceless.
…………………………………………………………………………..
Caspian’s Friend: dude! u da man!!!
Caspian’s Friend: we’re not worthy!!!
Fred: true, true 
Caspian’s Friend: “his keyboard the cord of which I am not worthy to unplug..”
Fred:
Fred: (mentions how he enjoyed helping a team member of mine.)
Caspian’s Friend: you figured it out already… whoa…
Caspian’s Friend: Ben was SO impressed!!!! You served him extremely, I mean extremely well! way to go!
Fred: It was really a true team effort. I like those, where everyone contributes, and no one person could solve.
Caspian’s Friend: Ben agreed that we need to clone about 75 “Fred’s”
Fred: Just the good parts , the world could do without the sinner side x75
Caspian’s Friend: we’ll run ya through a transporter with a special filter first.
Caspian’s Friend: I was able to slip in how you and I first met… at church
Caspian’s Friend: had to get the Jesus connection in there…
Fred: Yes Yes!
Caspian’s Friend: dude, really. I was proud of you, proud to know you and proud of your Christ like faithfulness
Fred: I know it wasn’t all altruistic (never is), but I really, really like helping with these complex issues. God has blessed me to have job that’s hard, but where I get to learn, stretch, and help.
Caspian’s Friend: awesome! It’s a good fit for you. Perhaps that excites me as much as anything, seeing a brother do what he was made to do the way he was called to do it.
Caspian’s Friend: Hey! I just got an idea for this week’s NC prayer email!
Caspian’s Friend: heehee….
Fred: the gift that keeps giving
Caspian’s Friend:
Caspian’s Friend: till next time treckies….
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Humbly serve the Lord with your gifts. You never know how God will use your servant’s heart to bring others just that much closer to the Lord.
Do you think that “Fred” will ever wear a “Bow before me for I am ROOT!” kind of attitude? You know, I rather doubt it.
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Star date July 10, 2007 … Or at least it was July 10 when I began the process of posting this article…
It is true that the fonts are a bit wacky, but the part of the planet that I’m sitting on just rolled over into “tomorrow.” I’ll have to fix the font issue later, after I get some sleep. In the mean time, I hope that you can see past the weird font issues and into the idea.
“mystery fan”: thanks for reminding me of this article! Thanks to your recommendation to take it out of email and post it.
alrighty then. In the immortal words of Inspector Clouseau, (the Peter Sellers version, thank you very much!… “the font issues are solv-ed.”
Since I’m rather a Clouseau kind of HTML coder, I thought that the quote was fitting. Wouldn’t you agree Cato, I mean Cocoa?